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Printed by The Nazca Plains Corporation. Buy from Amazon
Unlike most small boys. Jeremy Spiers didn't get a thrill pulling off the wings of flies, he much preferred cutting off the legs of frogs or - when he could find a suitable nest - pulling off the heads of the straining, open-mouthed fledglings as they blindly stretched out for what would be something very different to the expected worm. Frying his white mice was another source of unexpected fun. Fortunately they bred so quickly there always seemed to be an adequate supply for this sporadic ritual. The only set-back was having to carry-out this little game when everyone was conveniently away from the house. But then there always followed the tedious task of having to clean the frying pan, a task not very efficiently performed by young Jeremy. Jasmine, the black lackadaisical West Indian cleaner continually blamed Mr Spiers senior for this wrongdoing (he was well-known for his messy snacking). "Why dat man mus' always fry dem sausages instead of neva' usin' da grill I'll neva' know!" she would complain. Jeremy's activities were temporarily put on hold when, in a burst of enthusiasm, he cut off the tail of the neighbour's new Labrador puppy, his excuse being he thought the pup was a Cocker Spaniel and the long tail - instead of being docked - had been overlooked and therefore was a mistake.
Severely reprimanded by his embarrassed parents for this misdemeanour - he had been banned from using his play station for a week - the six year old took revenge by adding several boosts of boiling water to his sister's pet goldfish bowl. Her endless, confused tears as to how her two "fishies" ended up lifeless and floating on the surface served only as a momentary appeasement. To Jeremy's ever active and ever imaginative mind, boiling his sister's fish was simply not vengeful enough. It was while sitting up in the loft and playing with his "pee pee" - this always gave a delicious tickling sensation and one he seemed to find more and more apparent when indulging in his other unlikely "hobbies - that Jeremy came (mentally, not literally) upon the idea which would make all his previous endeavours of torture (he viewed these as fun) seem tame by comparison.
While it is always said revenge is a dish "best served cold", the young boy - most firmly - took the decision then and there that this was not so. He would simply fry his tedious, tiresome and restraining parents. His plan went even better than expected. A sleeping Hugo and Dapne Spiers plus little Emily and her new goldfish were suitably barbecued or boiled when the house mysteriously burned down.